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Friday, August 24, 2007

tips for southerners headed up nort

So my friend composed this list for southerners heading up north, and I'm just now posting it. This was started as a joke. She actually doesn't believe this (except for the cruller part). :P

1) if you are flying a confederate flag, you will not be welcome. the war is over, we won, get over it.

2) it was NOT the war between the states, it was the civil war, and if the south rises again we'll just beat her back down.

3) we don't drink icees. we drink slurpees. if you don't understand the difference, you will when you walk into a 7-11 (another thing you probably won't understand.)

4) sweet tea is non-existant. we don't understand how you can drink it. unsweet ice tea with lemon, and maybe a hint of mango, raspberry, or blueberry is pretty much what we offer.

5) we don't say 'ya'll', or 'ain't'. We use the phrases 'you all' and 'is not'. we will laugh at you if you use your southern expressions.

6) doesn't matter whether you think you are or not- to us, all southerners are rednecks.

7) we don't do nascar. we don't have nascar museums or monuments. we don't close down stores on race days. we don't have weddings on the race track. be prepared to experience culture shock.

8) we don't 'bless your little heart' or call you 'puddin' and 'sugar'.

10) we don't play country music. we don't like country music. don't ask us why- it's better just to accept it as it is.

11) we ARE all yankees. hurling that at us as though it's an insult really doesn't hurt our feelings. 'yankee' is the northern lifestyle.

12) don't ask where to find the closest 'sam's' or 'bj's'- we have publics and giant.

13) you aren't from here unless you chop down your own Christmas tree while singing carols and drinking hot chocolate. you really aren't from around here if your tree is a fake.

14) if we're talking too fast, you're talking too slow.

15) we don't talk funny- you do.

16) We don't drive tractors down the road- leave yours at home.

17) If you don't know what a cruller is, you're really missing out.

11) BBQ is grilling hot dogs and hamburgers. Anything else is pulled pork.

19) Don't say yonder. We don't know where that is.

20) There shouldn't be a Mason-Dixon line... we're all the United States.

21) We may not follow NASCAR, but we have something even better- Hockey.

22) Our words have fewer syllables than yours.

23) Sorry, you're not allowed to bring your guns up north.

24) We don't have county fairs. Or livestock competitions. We have the Westminster Dog Show.

25) Icing goes on a cake. Frosting occurs when you have a light snowfall.

26) 'G' is actually a much used letter of our alphabet... we don't go 'runnin', 'singin', or 'dancin'.

27) We don't 'fix' to do anything. Like Nike, we just do it.

3 comments:

blue-blooded southerner said...

ugh.

My stomach revolts at the thought.

(and if it's so true, then why do they all move down here?!)

Allie said...

I know!!! I don't agree with any of them. I am about as southern as you can get. :P I just thought it was pretty darn funny.

TBT said...

"we don't say 'ya'll', or 'ain't'. We use the phrases 'you all' and 'is not'. we will laugh at you if you use your southern expressions."

Yo, Rocky says "ain't" all the time. Also, it's spelled Publix, not Publics.